Tuesday, January 31, 2012

BREAKING: Facebook IPO Excites Dr. Evil

"Facebook IPO??" asks Dr. Evil.  "100 BILLION DOLLARS!!" PHOTO SOURCE: Sweets Lyrics

Sunday, January 29, 2012

EXCLUSIVE: Apple Nose Picking Patent Ignites Another Patent War

Nose pickers beware: you'll be paying a per-snot royalty to a high-tech company very soon!  PHOTO SOURCES: Apple Logo Blogspot; Tablets Planet; fronttowardsgamer.com; Lazy Tech Guys; vibik.com (copyright Jan Egil Kirkebo)
According to multiple sources, Apple recently filed an application to patent nose picking.  "This continues the trend at high tech companies to patent pretty much anything they can imagine, and then extort monies from anyone who comes close to 'infringing' on their design," stated Nicole Nerdia, a technology sector analyst for Ponzi Panda Investment Bank.

This latest application set off a firestorm of counter-patent applications by Apple rivals HTC, Microsoft, and Samsung.  "The Apple application is rather generic in that it simply patents the process by which a person sticks a finger in their nose," indicated Nerdia.  "The HTC patent goes further by patenting the process by which snot is extracted from the nose.  Interestingly," continued Nerdia, "the Samsung patent only patents nose picking through the use of the left hand's index finger, which greatly limits the earnings potential of this patent.  On the other end of the spectrum, the Microsoft application seeks to patent the ability to extract snot by anyone, anywhere in the galaxy, by any means possible.  We can only wait and see if such a broad-reaching patent will be granted, let alone how it will be enforced."

It is assumed Apple and its rivals will seek to assess all nose pickers a royalty fee for each snot picked.  "Our junior analysts are working on their discounted cash flow valuation models for such a royalty arrangement, and the preliminary results look extremely promising!" Nerdia stated gleefully.  "Apparently, the world has a lot of nose pickers, and they pick a great deal of snot."  Gerbil reporters sought comments from Apple, HTC, and Samsung, but received no responses.  Microsoft released a short statement indicating the company "will prevail in its ongoing intellectual property litigation since Microsoft technology is embedded in everything, everywhere."

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

BREAKING: Obama's Speech Written By Eighth Grader

Obama flashing those pearly whites to his fellow semi-literate Americans.  PHOTO SOURCE: barackobama.com
Obama kept his message simple during last night's State of the Union Address. Perhaps too simple.  According to the University of Minnesota's Humphrey School of Public Affairs, Obama's latest speech is the third in a row to be written at an eighth grade level.

Offers Mac Hamilton: "Guess we know what Obama thinks of our intellectual skills!"

Obama Sez: You Got My Back! Tweens Relate.


Obama announced the US "is great because we get each other’s backs" during last night's State of the Union Address.  Denny Dicks, resident tween, exclaimed, "Wow, Obama really understands me!"

Obama / Biden: We Got Your Backs!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Lady Gaga Foundation to Promote Madonna Covers

Lady Gaga at a news conference this Thursday announcing her new Born This Way Foundation.  Madonna responds in kind.  PHOTO SOURCES: All This is That; Just Jared

At a press conference in New York's Meatpacking District earlier today, Lady Gaga announced the creation of her new Born This Way Foundation.  "The foundation will support struggling, mugged singers in their quest to rip off and repackage Madonna songs, just like I did with Born This Way," chirped Gaga gleefully.  "I'm a real humanitarian!"

"I don't think she's ever looked better," reports Longines.  "I mean, her face was all wrapped up.  Almost all of her nose was hidden.  It was fabulous!"  Mac Hamilton disagrees: "I can still see the tip of her snout, and that's enough."

The Gerbil reached out to Madonna for comment and received a terse one word response: "Tranny."

Monday, January 16, 2012

IN BRIEF: Golden Globe Glow Graces Hollywood Gentry

The world's greatest actors gathered tonight at the Golden Globe Awards, the annual Hollywood gala at which these superlative thespians award themselves for being such great humanitarians.  PHOTO SOURCE : Getty/tmz.com
"All of them are soooo unseasonably tan," observes Longines. 

"It's the Golden Globe Glow," jokes Tom Thomas.

"It's Hollywood's subtle jab at the 99%," concludes the Gerbil.  "We're rich and can afford luxurious winter vacations.  You're poor and have to shovel snow."