Follow The Wall Street Gerbil on Google+

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Brooklyn Hipsters Lose Internet, Shave Beards in Sudden Bouts of Lucidity

Wall Street Gerbil - Brooklyn Hipsters Lose Internet, Shave Beards in Sudden Bouts of Lucidity
"A momentary grasp of reason," jokes one Brooklyn native of the recent hipster phenomenon to shave their beards.  "These jerks stunk the place up with their face pubes."
Hipsters in the facial hair havens of Brooklyn lost internet access late Friday afternoon, leading to a tidal wave of beard shaving throughout the borough.  Apparently, the sudden loss of the hipsters' only source of social interaction led to a widespread outbreak of mental clarity among this insular, misunderstood community of vagabonds, freeloaders, self-professed gurus, and bloggers.  "It was as if a sheet had been pulled from my eyes, and I could see the world as it truly exists for the first time," remarked Gidget Gangplank, a hipster blogger from Williamsburg.  "For the first time in many, many years I realized just how much facial hair I had...and how utterly disgusting and unnecessary it was," recounted Mr. Gangplank.  "I suppose I was trying to compensate for just how small the $3,500 a month refrigerator box I live in is by growing my beard as big as I could."

Local pharmacies reported aisles stripped clean of shaving products.  "They hit us all at once," said Frieda Finkel, proprietor of the local Black Sheep Apothecary.  "Even the ladies' razors are gone -- all three of them."  According to an anonymous source at Mayor Bloomberg's office, the New York City Sanitation Department received complaints of "pube-like hair two feet deep" on the sidewalks of several streets in Williamsburg and Greenpoint.  "I've never seen anything like it.  The shaved hair, the clean-shaven pasty-white cheeks.  It's unbelievable," said the source.

In a related story, the local inventory of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has also been impacted by the internet outage.  "The stock of PBR is at critically low levels," said Michael Menga, president of the Brooklyn Bodega Cartel.  "We usually have thousands of cases on hand since it's the hip beer to drink," continued Mr. Menendez, "so it's quite scary how quickly we ran out.  We've called for help from affiliates as far away as Rhode Island."  The shortage has local police precincts on high alert in light of a series of tweets calling on "all of #hipperdom to protest the unjust insufficient supply of PBR at local retailers."