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Sunday, August 26, 2012

Scientific Study Says Food Network Shows Clog Arteries

Wall Street Gerbil - Scientific Study Says Food Network Shows Clog Arteries
Add caption Food Network: Frying fatty foods for fatty Americans since 1993.  PHOTO SOURCES: Scripps NetworksSeattle PiFeline Med VetFood Network Blog
Scientists from the Louisiana Authority for Research and Development to Advance Scientific Study ("LARDASS") released the results of a two year study yesterday that links the Food Network to clogged arteries.  "It's quite incredulous," stated Dr. Victor Vennedopolous, the study's lead researcher, at a press conference late Saturday evening, "but we have empirical evidence that definitively proves watching shows on the Food Network will clog your arteries."  Specifically, researchers found that watching four straight hours of the Food Network increased viewers' cholesterol by an average 75 points.  "It's all LDL cholesterol, too," added Vennedopolous, "which makes it even worse."  Study participants that watched the network for longer periods of time added an average of five points per hour of incremental viewing.  "We had one participant whose cholesterol prior to watching any shows was 165.  Ten hours later, the participant's cholesterol skyrocketed to 270!" exclaimed Vennedopolous.  "This is well beyond statistically significant!" he added.

Researchers are still trying to determine the mechanics by which viewers' arteries clog.  "We think all the fatty foods depicted on the shows somehow cause the brain to think the viewer is actually eating the food," explained Vennedopolous.  "This in turn stimulates the viewer's body to produce massive amounts of cholesterol."  The study also claims shows that provide recipes for southern food result in higher cholesterol amounts.  "Shows hosted by Paula Deen and Trisha Yearwood stimulated cholesterol numbers that were consistently on the highest end of the cholesterol production spectrum," stated Vennedopolous.  "Southern fried chicken, mashed potatoes dripping in creamy gravy, eight inch deep 'Savannah High Apple Pie'...need I say more?"  When asked by our staff what would happen if Deen and Yearwood co-hosted a show, Vennedopolous replied, "I can't imagine what would happen.  I can only speculate that if a significant portion of the population tuned in to watch such a show at the same time, the results could be...catastrophic. Homeric, even."

When contacted by the Gerbil staff for comment, the Food Network released a short statement indicating they "will not dignify the specious, junk science promoted by LARDASS with a response."  Keep eating, America!

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