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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

BREAKING: Over-Zealous Chipotle CEO Dislocates Jaw, Nearly Severs Hand While Attempting to Eat Burrito

Wall Street Gerbil Breaking: Over-Zealous Chipotle CEO Dislocates Jaw, Nearly Severs Hand While Attempting to Eat Burrito
Fellow employees were aghast as Steve Ells, Chipotle CEO, nearly bit his hand off along with his entire beef burrito.  "I heard this big cracking noise, turned around, and saw the CEO with his mouth wrapped around his whole hand," said the restaurant manager.  "It was as if the burrito wasn't even there."
"Is this guy the world's ugliest eater?" inquires Tom Thomas.

"Photo op gone awry?" asks the Gerbil.

"This guy could bite the head off of an elephant," observes Mac Hamilton.

"He's lucky he didn't lose his arm!" exclaims John Johnson.

"That's a God-given talent, right there!" declares Longines.

Monday, August 27, 2012

BREAKING: Apple Patents Thinking; Sues Humanity for Infinite Damages

Wall Street Gerbil Breaking: Apple Patents Thinking; Sues Humanity for Infinite Damages
Apple's latest patent ploy: a brilliant stroke of litigious genius?  Or, a diabolical attempt to appropriate all the world's wealth?
"Eh, whatever," remarks John Johnson.  "There are no thinkers left in the world, anyways."

"Wasn't that a thought?" replies the Gerbil.

"Thought is dead!" declares Mac Hamilton.  "Long live thought!"

"Do sexy thoughts count?" asks Longines?  "Oops, there I go again....Oh my, chalk up another score for Apple!"

"Pay up, bitchez!" commands Ben Benson in a tweet sent from his iPhone.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Scientific Study Says Food Network Shows Clog Arteries

Wall Street Gerbil - Scientific Study Says Food Network Shows Clog Arteries
Add caption Food Network: Frying fatty foods for fatty Americans since 1993.  PHOTO SOURCES: Scripps NetworksSeattle PiFeline Med VetFood Network Blog
Scientists from the Louisiana Authority for Research and Development to Advance Scientific Study ("LARDASS") released the results of a two year study yesterday that links the Food Network to clogged arteries.  "It's quite incredulous," stated Dr. Victor Vennedopolous, the study's lead researcher, at a press conference late Saturday evening, "but we have empirical evidence that definitively proves watching shows on the Food Network will clog your arteries."  Specifically, researchers found that watching four straight hours of the Food Network increased viewers' cholesterol by an average 75 points.  "It's all LDL cholesterol, too," added Vennedopolous, "which makes it even worse."  Study participants that watched the network for longer periods of time added an average of five points per hour of incremental viewing.  "We had one participant whose cholesterol prior to watching any shows was 165.  Ten hours later, the participant's cholesterol skyrocketed to 270!" exclaimed Vennedopolous.  "This is well beyond statistically significant!" he added.

Researchers are still trying to determine the mechanics by which viewers' arteries clog.  "We think all the fatty foods depicted on the shows somehow cause the brain to think the viewer is actually eating the food," explained Vennedopolous.  "This in turn stimulates the viewer's body to produce massive amounts of cholesterol."  The study also claims shows that provide recipes for southern food result in higher cholesterol amounts.  "Shows hosted by Paula Deen and Trisha Yearwood stimulated cholesterol numbers that were consistently on the highest end of the cholesterol production spectrum," stated Vennedopolous.  "Southern fried chicken, mashed potatoes dripping in creamy gravy, eight inch deep 'Savannah High Apple Pie'...need I say more?"  When asked by our staff what would happen if Deen and Yearwood co-hosted a show, Vennedopolous replied, "I can't imagine what would happen.  I can only speculate that if a significant portion of the population tuned in to watch such a show at the same time, the results could be...catastrophic. Homeric, even."

When contacted by the Gerbil staff for comment, the Food Network released a short statement indicating they "will not dignify the specious, junk science promoted by LARDASS with a response."  Keep eating, America!