Wednesday, August 29, 2012
BREAKING: Over-Zealous Chipotle CEO Dislocates Jaw, Nearly Severs Hand While Attempting to Eat Burrito
"Photo op gone awry?" asks the Gerbil.
"This guy could bite the head off of an elephant," observes Mac Hamilton.
"He's lucky he didn't lose his arm!" exclaims John Johnson.
"That's a God-given talent, right there!" declares Longines.
Posted by Wall Street Gerbil at 11:20 PM
Monday, August 27, 2012
|Apple's latest patent ploy: a brilliant stroke of litigious genius? Or, a diabolical attempt to appropriate all the world's wealth?|
"Wasn't that a thought?" replies the Gerbil.
"Thought is dead!" declares Mac Hamilton. "Long live thought!"
"Do sexy thoughts count?" asks Longines? "Oops, there I go again....Oh my, chalk up another score for Apple!"
"Pay up, bitchez!" commands Ben Benson in a tweet sent from his iPhone.
Posted by Wall Street Gerbil at 1:00 PM
Sunday, August 26, 2012
|Add caption Food Network: Frying fatty foods for fatty Americans since 1993. PHOTO SOURCES: Scripps Networks, Seattle Pi, Feline Med Vet, Food Network Blog|
Researchers are still trying to determine the mechanics by which viewers' arteries clog. "We think all the fatty foods depicted on the shows somehow cause the brain to think the viewer is actually eating the food," explained Vennedopolous. "This in turn stimulates the viewer's body to produce massive amounts of cholesterol." The study also claims shows that provide recipes for southern food result in higher cholesterol amounts. "Shows hosted by Paula Deen and Trisha Yearwood stimulated cholesterol numbers that were consistently on the highest end of the cholesterol production spectrum," stated Vennedopolous. "Southern fried chicken, mashed potatoes dripping in creamy gravy, eight inch deep 'Savannah High Apple Pie'...need I say more?" When asked by our staff what would happen if Deen and Yearwood co-hosted a show, Vennedopolous replied, "I can't imagine what would happen. I can only speculate that if a significant portion of the population tuned in to watch such a show at the same time, the results could be...catastrophic. Homeric, even."
When contacted by the Gerbil staff for comment, the Food Network released a short statement indicating they "will not dignify the specious, junk science promoted by LARDASS with a response." Keep eating, America!
Posted by Wall Street Gerbil at 2:27 PM