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Sunday, January 29, 2012

EXCLUSIVE: Apple Nose Picking Patent Ignites Another Patent War

Wall Street Gerbil Exclusive: Apple Nose Picking Patent Ignites Another Patent War
Nose pickers beware: you'll be paying a per-snot royalty to a high-tech company very soon!  PHOTO SOURCES: Apple Logo Blogspot; Tablets Planet; fronttowardsgamer.com; Lazy Tech Guys; vibik.com (copyright Jan Egil Kirkebo)
According to multiple sources, Apple recently filed an application to patent nose picking.  "This continues the trend at high tech companies to patent pretty much anything they can imagine, and then extort monies from anyone who comes close to 'infringing' on their design," stated Nicole Nerdia, a technology sector analyst for Ponzi Panda Investment Bank.

This latest application set off a firestorm of counter-patent applications by Apple rivals HTC, Microsoft, and Samsung.  "The Apple application is rather generic in that it simply patents the process by which a person sticks a finger in their nose," indicated Nerdia.  "The HTC patent goes further by patenting the process by which snot is extracted from the nose.  Interestingly," continued Nerdia, "the Samsung patent only patents nose picking through the use of the left hand's index finger, which greatly limits the earnings potential of this patent.  On the other end of the spectrum, the Microsoft application seeks to patent the ability to extract snot by anyone, anywhere in the galaxy, by any means possible.  We can only wait and see if such a broad-reaching patent will be granted, let alone how it will be enforced."

It is assumed Apple and its rivals will seek to assess all nose pickers a royalty fee for each snot picked.  "Our junior analysts are working on their discounted cash flow valuation models for such a royalty arrangement, and the preliminary results look extremely promising!" Nerdia stated gleefully.  "Apparently, the world has a lot of nose pickers, and they pick a great deal of snot."  Gerbil reporters sought comments from Apple, HTC, and Samsung, but received no responses.  Microsoft released a short statement indicating the company "will prevail in its ongoing intellectual property litigation since Microsoft technology is embedded in everything, everywhere."

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