|"A momentary grasp of reason," jokes one Brooklyn native of the recent hipster phenomenon to shave their beards. "These jerks stunk the place up with their face pubes."|
Local pharmacies reported aisles stripped clean of shaving products. "They hit us all at once," said Frieda Finkel, proprietor of the local Black Sheep Apothecary. "Even the ladies' razors are gone -- all three of them." According to an anonymous source at Mayor Bloomberg's office, the New York City Sanitation Department received complaints of "pube-like hair two feet deep" on the sidewalks of several streets in Williamsburg and Greenpoint. "I've never seen anything like it. The shaved hair, the clean-shaven pasty-white cheeks. It's unbelievable," said the source.
In a related story, the local inventory of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has also been impacted by the internet outage. "The stock of PBR is at critically low levels," said Michael Menga, president of the Brooklyn Bodega Cartel. "We usually have thousands of cases on hand since it's the hip beer to drink," continued Mr. Menendez, "so it's quite scary how quickly we ran out. We've called for help from affiliates as far away as Rhode Island." The shortage has local police precincts on high alert in light of a series of tweets calling on "all of #hipperdom to protest the unjust insufficient supply of PBR at local retailers."