Saturday, October 29, 2011

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

Ben Bernanke says, "I may not always wipe my ass.  But when I do, I use T.P. Benjamins."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

IN BRIEF: Wall Street Occupiers Succumb to Corporate Greed

This 99% Mad Hatter is apparently a reject from the Rockette's.  Impressive leg kick nonetheless.  PHOTO SOURCE: Linda Rosier/News
Exclaims Tom Thomas: "C'mon, guy!  At least display some intellectual consistency and dump the Nike's for some Tom's!"

Queries the Gerbil: "Doesn't Nike run sweatshops?"

Wonders John Johnson: "What is that lady zooming in on?"

Gushes Longines: "How you doin'?!"

"I like to vilify corporations from one side of my mouth while smoking a Marlboro on the other side," stated this comely female Occupier.  Her male compatriot added, "I like to use her big fat ass as a pillow."  PHOTO SOURCE: Mark Lennihan/AP
 "Echh!" spits John Johnson. "Menthols.  I hate menthols!"

"Smoking in bed is extremely dangerous," admonishes Ben Benson.  Thanks for the PSA, Ben!

"There's nothing like taking a long drag from my Marlboro after a hard day of railing against Big Tobacco," states Tom Thomas.

"Oh, big feet!" relishes Longines.

"The ICON of Corporate Greed -- the Marlboro Man -- is alive and well in Zuccotti Park!" proclaims the Gerbil.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

IN BRIEF: Obama Orders Troops to Uganda; No One Cares

PHOTO SOURCES: ABC News; Stars & Stripes; The Hal Lindsey Report; impunitywatch.com; International Business Times


"Where's the outrage?" asks Mac Hamilton.

"No peacenik protests?" wonders Tom Thomas.

"Occupy Uganda?" prognosticates Ben Benson.  "Pun intended, I suppose."

"Aren't we in enough wars right now?" remonstrates John Johnson.

"Is that really the flag of Uganda?!" exclaims the Gerbil.

IN BRIEF: Occupy Wall Street & The Definition of Irony

One of the colorful Occupy Wall Street protestors, blissfully unaware of his / her contribution to Corporate Greed.  PHOTO SOURCE: Julia La Roche for Business Insider
Dells & Microsoft Windows...but no Macs??  Oh my!  PHOTO SOURCE: John Minchillo for cbsnews.com

Occupy Executive Bathrooms Protest Cramps CEOs

New York City was the target of a splinter group of Occupy Wall Street protesters early Sunday that infiltrated the executive bathrooms in a number of prestigious investment bank offices.  "My squirts are just as nasty as John Mack's.  Why should only he squat on a gold plated toilet seat?" asked Sammy Silverstein, a 27 year old unemployed Social Justice major from Williamsburg.  "The 99%'s ass cheeks deserve the same treatment!"

The group, which calls itself "Occupy Executive Bathrooms" and walks around wearing George Costanza masks, demands that all bathrooms be created equally luxurious.  "This bathroom is better than my apartment," claimed Lawrence Levy, a 38 year old career student seeking his second doctorate in African American studies.  "Look at this -- they've got triple plush toilet paper, bidets, moisturizing creams, well lighted mirrors, background music.  I mean, I could live here."  When asked why the group determined it necessary to set up tents in the stalls, Levy replied, "To protect ourselves from the elements, of course!"

"We are entitled to these luxuries!" screamed Silvia Skanckman, a 55 year old self-described struggling artist from the Lower East Side.  "The rectums of the 1% are no better than those of the 99%.  We are the 99%, and we demand equal treatment of rectums.  We're all humans, and all our rectums deserve to be equally lavished!"

Our staff asked the CEOs of the banks whose executive bathrooms were occupied to comment on the latest Occupy occupation.  In a joint statement, the CEOs indicated "we are investigating how the security of our executive stalls was breached.  Our washrooms are confidential, and only a limited number of individuals have knowledge of their existence.  We will determine how this group not only knew of these facilities, but also gained access.  Executives are busy people who must not be distracted from the important decisions they must make everyday.  We will not allow full bowels to preoccupy the minds of our most important executive staff."  No mention was made of how the Occupy Executive Bathrooms protestors would be dealt with, nor why the executives could not use the regular office bathrooms.  However, a Morgan Stanley official who wished to remain anonymous stated, "Our executives are currently loading up on refried beans, chilli, broccoli, garlic, and Fiber One bars.  If these fools do not leave of their own volition, we will gas them out."

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Gerbil Staff Finally Freed From Iran; Publication to Resume


Discerning consumers of insightful, pithy journalism rejoiced this Friday on news the government of Iran released the staff of The Wall Street Gerbil from an Iranian prison.  "Although the troubling allegations of espionage and deceit have not been fully resolved, we have deemed it appropriate to release the Gerbil reporters," President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stated in a press conference in Tehran.  "However, they are no longer welcome in our beloved country."

The Gerbil staff were arrested in Tehran back on July 15th on suspicion of spying for the US government.  "We were in Tehran to cover the Miss Iran beauty pageant!" exclaimed intrepid Gerbil reported Mac Hamilton at a Press Conference in Dubai.  "Honestly, it was all about doing our part for international relations.  Nothing more."  When asked if he actually did have relations with anyone during his time in Tehran, Hamilton replied, "No comment."

The Gerbil staff were released from prison early Friday morning and flown on a Swiss government jet to Dubai, where they will spend the weekend before making the trip back stateside early next week.  Tensions were temporarily raised upon reports the jet carrying the Gerbil staff appeared to be rocking back and forth during the flight to Dubai, while also alternately gaining and losing altitude.  "Three months is a long time to be stuck in jail with no...release," said Hamilton.  "The Swiss flight attendants were very accommodating."  Hamilton declined to comment further.  When pressed to explain what Hamilton meant by his comments, Svenska Mueller, a 25 year old flight attendant from Bern, simply added, "It was consensual."

The release of the Gerbil staff on Friday ends their nearly three month captivity in the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Detention Center and Prison, affectionately referred to as "Madcap" by its convict denizens.  "That place is a true shit hole," said Hamilton.  "But, Svenska made it all worth it!"

Publication of the Wall Street Gerbil will resume in earnest presently.