Saturday, May 21, 2011

World Doesn't End; Heads Explode

The heads of at least two acolytes of infamous Christian preacher Harold Camping exploded when it became painfully evident the apocalypse was not transpiring today. Shouts of  "Why not, God?!  Why not?!" filled the streets around the Camping Compound in California.  "I just don't understand, " Mr. Camping stated during a brief appearance after the world failed to end.  "We've done all the calculations.  Maybe one of our decimal places was off."

Reactions from other devout followers of Camping's prognostications ranged from muted disappointment to outrage.  "The world will end," Billy John Smith, a Camping Clan member insisted.  "You mark my words, boy!  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day."  When reminded Camping's prediction explicitly indicated the world was supposed to end today, May 21, 2011, not tomorrow or the next day, Smith shouted, "Satan worshipper!  Satan worshipper!" and defenestrated out a fourth story window to his demise.

Camping Christian Devra Schaper at an "Apocalypse Now" rally earlier this month.  SOURCE: GMA News Online
Cindy Lou Riggins, another self-proclaimed Campingite, was "honestly confused why I'm still here."  Having donated all her worldly possessions, including her house, to a homeless man named Bob she randomly met three minutes before 6:00 PM today, she "has no idea what to do."  Says Riggins, "Maybe I can rent my house back from Bob."

Another Camping congregation member, Joe Hiscock, expressed outraged at the "money-changers [who] took advantage of the whole situation."  Hiscock ranted, "God saw all these money-changers bleeding us, the true believers, dry.  And he decided to postpone the Rapture!"  Hiscock indicated he was on his way to rescue Spud from the money-changers at After the Rapture Pet Care, and then "sue the shit out of them Babylonians!"

In a press release issued late Saturday evening, Family Radio stated, "While we are deeply saddened the world did not end today, we remain steadfastly resolute the world will end.  God is sorry for any inconvenience He may have caused for not ending the world today as Reverend Camping said it should."  Camping himself could not be reached for further comment.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

World's Most Eligible Terrorist

The terrorist underworld was set on fire today with news Anwar al-Awlaki narrowly escaped a Predator missile attack recently.  "This news has made an already hot Mujahideen even hotter," said Mustafina el-Ugbar, a Yemeni female suicide bomber in training.

"My finger has had much practice infiltrating the anuses of many American goats," al-Awlaki brags in his online profile on MujahMatch.com, on online Al Qaeda dating site.  "I can only imagine what that finger would do to my camel-sized ass!" wondered one infatuated fan of his profile.  "I want to have his terrorist spawn!" another declares.  Photo source: MujahMatch.com
Extremist hearts were set aflutter all over the map.  "His beard looks so big and strong," added Yelebougma al-Fukar, a female Saudi-born bomb-maker based out of Dubai.  "I bet he's very popular with the goats!"

Lust for al-Awlaki was not limited to the female terrorist population.  "Sheikh al-Awlaki is such a man!" exclaimed Fazad al-Bukbar, an alias for a goat herder and closet Al Qaeda homosexual we recently interviewed in Pakistan. "No one dares to come out as a Muslim homosexual terrorist for fear of great torture, including -- but not limited to -- water-boarding, castration, disembowelment, and finally death by fire.  You know, all the standard Jihad tactics.  But, God have mercy...he sets my Islamic soul on fire!"

We inquired with an Al Qaeda spokesman as to how many wives al-Awlaki currently abuses, but received only a terse response that he's "more than enough Mujahideen for all the camels in the Sahara!"

ALLAHU AKBAR!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Obama OK with Slaughter in Syria and the Ivory Coast, Just Not in Libya

On March 18th this year, Obama gave a rousing speech justifying his stilted approach to the struggling Libyan revolution.  In this monologue, Obama indicated that "as President, I refused to wait for the images of slaughter and mass graves before taking action."  Obama chose the moral high road, and his acolytes held their chests out with pride at having such a great humanitarian as their Party Leader.

Tom Thomas, one of our intrepid reporters, recently interviewed a senior Democratic National Committee official as a follow-up to this speech and subsequent US actions in Libya.  What follows is a partial transcript of this inteview. 

TT: A civil war is raging in the Ivory Coast, with supporters of presidential claimant Alassane Ouattara massacring substantial numbers of civilians — including one massacre of up to 1,000 people in a single village.  Civilians were killed by a combination of small arms fire and being hacked to pieces by machetes.  In other areas, people have had their throats slit and been set on fire.  A similar conflict is raging in Syria.  According to CBC News reports, Syrian government forces, having already slaughtered plenty of rebels, are now "firing on people trying to retrieve the bodies of anti-government protesters and even shooting holes in rooftop water tanks in a region parched by drought."

DNC: Ivory Coast, is that in South America?

TT: No, it's in Africa.

DNC: Oh, that's right!  Why are we talking about Africa?

TT: Well, can you please reconcile the White House's position on the Libyan conflict relative to those in the Ivory Coast and Syria?

DNC: Well, I'm not sure there's anything to "reconcile," Tom.  The White House's position is entirely consistent.  The President will not countenance crimes against humanity wherever they occur, and has acted accordingly.

TT: Well, the US has provided military support to the Libyan rebels, but has done nothing in the Ivory Coast or Syria.  There seems to be a difference between the former and latter.

DNC: Not at all, my dear fellow! [chuckles] Clearly, our President's comments must be considered in the context in which they were delivered.  The President stands against the slaughter of innocent civilians, wherever that may occur.  That's an entirely consistent position, whether applied to the situation in Libya or elsewhere.

TT: So, you're saying all the President meant was that he stands against war crimes.

DNC: Correct.

TT: Not that he intervened in Libya because he wanted to prevent the slaughter of innocent civilians?

DNC: Yes, I think it would be completely illogical to conclude that was the purpose of the President's speech.  Besides which, the situations in the Ivory Coast and Syria are nothing like that in Libya.

TT: How do you mean?  In all three situations, civilians are being savagely brutalized.

DNC: Listen, Tom, the President saw an opportunity to send a few planes to Libya, drop a few bombs, and end the whole conflict in a few days.  So, that's what he did.  Syria is too much work.  And, the Ivory Coast is in Africa.  'Nuff said.  

At this point, the official cited another commitment and ended the interview.  "We did not get a chance to explore how Obama's plan with the planes and bombs didn't exactly pan out," Tom sighed.  "However, I think the DNC official is correct in one sense," he continued.  "Obama's position is consistently inconsistent."

SOURCES