Sunday, October 16, 2011

Occupy Executive Bathrooms Protest Cramps CEOs

New York City was the target of a splinter group of Occupy Wall Street protesters early Sunday that infiltrated the executive bathrooms in a number of prestigious investment bank offices.  "My squirts are just as nasty as John Mack's.  Why should only he squat on a gold plated toilet seat?" asked Sammy Silverstein, a 27 year old unemployed Social Justice major from Williamsburg.  "The 99%'s ass cheeks deserve the same treatment!"

The group, which calls itself "Occupy Executive Bathrooms" and walks around wearing George Costanza masks, demands that all bathrooms be created equally luxurious.  "This bathroom is better than my apartment," claimed Lawrence Levy, a 38 year old career student seeking his second doctorate in African American studies.  "Look at this -- they've got triple plush toilet paper, bidets, moisturizing creams, well lighted mirrors, background music.  I mean, I could live here."  When asked why the group determined it necessary to set up tents in the stalls, Levy replied, "To protect ourselves from the elements, of course!"

"We are entitled to these luxuries!" screamed Silvia Skanckman, a 55 year old self-described struggling artist from the Lower East Side.  "The rectums of the 1% are no better than those of the 99%.  We are the 99%, and we demand equal treatment of rectums.  We're all humans, and all our rectums deserve to be equally lavished!"

Our staff asked the CEOs of the banks whose executive bathrooms were occupied to comment on the latest Occupy occupation.  In a joint statement, the CEOs indicated "we are investigating how the security of our executive stalls was breached.  Our washrooms are confidential, and only a limited number of individuals have knowledge of their existence.  We will determine how this group not only knew of these facilities, but also gained access.  Executives are busy people who must not be distracted from the important decisions they must make everyday.  We will not allow full bowels to preoccupy the minds of our most important executive staff."  No mention was made of how the Occupy Executive Bathrooms protestors would be dealt with, nor why the executives could not use the regular office bathrooms.  However, a Morgan Stanley official who wished to remain anonymous stated, "Our executives are currently loading up on refried beans, chilli, broccoli, garlic, and Fiber One bars.  If these fools do not leave of their own volition, we will gas them out."

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