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Monday, July 4, 2011

World's Greatest Regurgitators Compete in First Annual Vomiting Contest

Wall Street Gerbil - World's Greatest Regurgitators Compete in First Annual Vomiting Contest
The world's first annual "Vomiting Contest" took place today on the sunny Queens shores of the East River.  "What better place for a regurgitation competition than here on Loading Dock #5 behind the old textile mill?" asked Tony Bobaloons, a competitor from Howard Beach.  "This is what it's all about!"

The competition was coordinated by Major League Vomiting, an entity created in 2010 in somewhat of an homage to Major League Eating.  "We figured if the world's greatest 'gurgitators' could capture the imagination of the American audience at the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world's greatest 'regurgitators' could capture Americans' hearts and minds as well," stated Frankie Francese, president of MLV.

The inaugural competition was sponsored by Ipecac, makers of the well known substance formerly used to induce vomiting by poison control centers and bulimics.  "Ipecac has gotten a bad rap over the last few years," indicated Petie Pentangelli, chairman of an unnamed investment consortium that purchased the defunct Ipecac brand name a few years ago.  "We thought this would be a good way of getting the Ipecac brand back into the mainstream."  Ipecac provided a year's supply of their syrup to this year's champion.

The competition featured 12 contestants from all five boroughs and of all shapes and sizes.  Competitors gorged themselves on their food of choice for 15 minutes, and then regurgitated the food within the following minute.  The regurgitations were judged based on volume, consistency, odor, and technique.  "Projectile vomiting is a crowd favorite," said Vincenzo Vinscente, a competitor from Bay Ridge.  "Distance and breadth of spray are important."

The fifty two spectators of this year's event were amazed by the vomiting prowess of the first regurgitation champion, a Persian cat named Snooki from Staten Island.  The cat swallowed twenty five pounds of hair during the gorging portion of the contest, and then projectile vomited seventy two hairballs at the crowd, hitting thirty three spectators in the head.  "Don't mess with the felines," said Marie Mezzatuna, "especially pussies from Staten Island!  Staten Island in 'da house!!"

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