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Monday, July 4, 2011

Man Wearing Terrorist Sign on T-Shirt Flies Cross-Country Unnoticed

A man successfully flew from Miami to San Francisco this past Friday while wearing a t-shirt proclaiming terrorist intentions.  Elijah El-Wakouti, a middle-aged social worker originally from Yemen who now resides in Tampa, Florida, wore a t-shirt with the statements "I am a terrorist!" printed on the front and "I have a bomb strapped to my leg!" printed on the back.  Mr. El-Wakouti went completely undetected by airport staff, TSA personnel, airline employees, and even fellow travelers.

Wall Street Gerbil - Man Wearing Terrorist Sign on T-Shirt Flies Cross-Country Unnoticed"I can't believe I actually made it past the ticket counter in Miami, let alone through security, onto the plane, through the plane ride, and out of San Fran International," stated Mr. El-Wakouti.  The Yemeni immigrant speculates security personnel were "too busy ferreting out real threats like the 89 year old blind retired milk farmer paraplegic from Wisconsin I saw.  I suppose the TSA thought he was a real shady guy, because they did an inner body cavity search on that dude for twenty minutes.  They stopped about five minutes after the guy passed out."

When queried what prompted him to pull off such a bold stunt, Mr. El-Wakouti indicated he "wanted to prove how inept the TSA is.  They spend too much time doing 'random' searches.  Old ladies with adult diapers, retired elderly milk farmer paraplegics from Wisconsin...have people like these every blown anything up?  And, then there's me, strutting right on through."  Mr. El-Wakouti claims he paid for his ticket in cash, carried no luggage, and kept fiddling with a cigarette lighter he also smuggled into the airport, all of which "drew no scrutiny from anyone."   Requests by the Wall Street Gerbil for an interview with TSA personnel were denied.

In a related story, a 76 year old retired female librarian from Montana was hung upside down by her big toes for 15 minutes after being flagged as a threat by TSA personnel.  Apparently, the woman was heard uttering the words "power hungry" in the presence of a TSA staff member.

World's Greatest Regurgitators Compete in First Annual Vomiting Contest

Wall Street Gerbil - World's Greatest Regurgitators Compete in First Annual Vomiting Contest
The world's first annual "Vomiting Contest" took place today on the sunny Queens shores of the East River.  "What better place for a regurgitation competition than here on Loading Dock #5 behind the old textile mill?" asked Tony Bobaloons, a competitor from Howard Beach.  "This is what it's all about!"

The competition was coordinated by Major League Vomiting, an entity created in 2010 in somewhat of an homage to Major League Eating.  "We figured if the world's greatest 'gurgitators' could capture the imagination of the American audience at the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world's greatest 'regurgitators' could capture Americans' hearts and minds as well," stated Frankie Francese, president of MLV.

The inaugural competition was sponsored by Ipecac, makers of the well known substance formerly used to induce vomiting by poison control centers and bulimics.  "Ipecac has gotten a bad rap over the last few years," indicated Petie Pentangelli, chairman of an unnamed investment consortium that purchased the defunct Ipecac brand name a few years ago.  "We thought this would be a good way of getting the Ipecac brand back into the mainstream."  Ipecac provided a year's supply of their syrup to this year's champion.

The competition featured 12 contestants from all five boroughs and of all shapes and sizes.  Competitors gorged themselves on their food of choice for 15 minutes, and then regurgitated the food within the following minute.  The regurgitations were judged based on volume, consistency, odor, and technique.  "Projectile vomiting is a crowd favorite," said Vincenzo Vinscente, a competitor from Bay Ridge.  "Distance and breadth of spray are important."

The fifty two spectators of this year's event were amazed by the vomiting prowess of the first regurgitation champion, a Persian cat named Snooki from Staten Island.  The cat swallowed twenty five pounds of hair during the gorging portion of the contest, and then projectile vomited seventy two hairballs at the crowd, hitting thirty three spectators in the head.  "Don't mess with the felines," said Marie Mezzatuna, "especially pussies from Staten Island!  Staten Island in 'da house!!"