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Thursday, June 9, 2011

Chinese Army Ready for War After Calling Pentagon's Bluff

Wall Street Gerbil - Chinese Army Ready for War After Calling Pentagon's Bluff.  PLA maneuvers in anticipation of an American attack.  We will crush them, said one PLA official.  What are they waiting for? asked another.  How many hacks do we need to pull off before they attack?
PLA maneuvers in anticipation of an American attack.  "We will crush them," said one PLA official.  "What are they waiting for?" asked another.  "How many hacks do we need to pull off before they attack?"  PHOTO SOURCE: People's Daily Online
BEIJING - The Chinese People's Liberation Army maintained its defensive readiness posture at China's highest threat level, "Imperialist Attack Imminent," in continued anticipation of an American attack on the communist country.  Apparently, the Chinese government is convinced US military forces are planning an attack in retaliation of China's latest cyber attacks on US companies and senior government officials.  "On May 31st, the American Pig Pentagon indicated cyber-attacks could be considered acts of war," Beijing's Internal General Director of Intelligence and Clandestine Kllings ("BIGDICK") Huong Wei Lo indicated during a brief press conference.  "Our response has been immediate and clear.  Game on!"

When asked why the Chinese government would want to instigate World War III, BIGDICK Huong Wei Lo ranted, "We are calling the American Capitalist Imperialistic Pig's bluff!  Google, the White House, Citibank...should I keep going?  The Americans are in no position to do anything.  Their military is busy hunting down goat-herders, killing cave dwelling rats, and policing barbarian tribes.  And, [chuckles smugly] they've no money to finance a war.  Any money they have left is owed to us, Mother China!"

A South Korean reporter inquired why China would want to enter a shooting war with the US, its largest debtor.  "Wouldn't that cripple the finances of the Chinese government?" the reporter asked.

"The PLA will annihilate the American scourge and all of its traitorous allies!" the BIGDICK shouted.  The reporter was then seized by two Chinese Army privates and removed from the press conference.  "Communism with a sprinkle of capitalism here and there will prevail!" the BIGDICK railed.  Phone calls to the reporter by Wall Street Gerbil staff were not returned.

BIGDICK Huong also stated today's attack on a Vietnamese seismic survey boat was "just a taste of what's in store for the Americans.  It was good practice, too.  We're really frustrated the Americans have not attacked yet.  This was a good release."

Despite repeated requests from the Wall Street Gerbil for interviews with senior Pentagon leadership, the Pentagon has released only a terse statement indicating "the positions outlined in the cybersecurity strategy report we issued on May 31st were more guidelines than rules."

Wall Street Gerbil - Chinese Army Ready for War After Calling Pentagon's Bluff.  Cybersecurity?  Bullshit.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

Wall Street Gerbil Word from our Sponsors.  Rock your ray bans for sexy times.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

IN BRIEF: Obama Looks Deep Into Netanyahu's Eyes

Wall Street Gerbil In Brief: Obama Looks Deep Into Netanyahu's Eyes.  I wish I could quit you! says Obama.
"I wish I could quit you!" says Obama.  PHOTO SOURCE: AP

Netanyahu: Raw & Uncut (Metaphorically Speaking)

Wall Street Gerbil - Netanyahu: Raw & Uncut (Metaphorically Speaking).  Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu about to shake hands with Barack Obama two weeks ago at the White House.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu about to shake hands with Barack Obama two weeks ago at the White House.  Wall Street Gerbil reporters caught Netanyahu making an off-the-record remark that "Obama shakes hands like a limp dick."  PHOTO SOURCE: AP Photo / Charles Dharapak
Benjamin Netanyahu rejected Barack Obama's plan for peace in the Middle East two weeks ago during a press conference at the White House.  Unbeknownst to the public heretofore, Netanyahu privately tore Barack Obama a new asshole moments before the public chastisement.  The Wall Street Gerbil recently obtained a previously unreleased transcript of a private meeting between Obama and Netanyahu in the Oval Office a few minutes prior to the now infamous press conference during which Netanyahu dictated US foreign policy to Obama.  Netanyahu apparently was even more blunt in his rebuke of Obama's proposal during this tete-a-tete, as evidenced by the excerpt below:

OBA: Benjamin, my friend, it's good to see you!

NET: I wish I could say the same, Mr. Obama.

OBA: [Nervous chuckle.]  Now, now, Ben; I'm sure you mean President Obama.  After all, we are in the White House.

NET: I know what I said.  I very clearly said mister.  Seems you must have some shit in your ears.  Maybe it's spilling out from the rest of your head since you apparently have shit for brains.

OBA: Benjamin, old chap!  Why such a sour puss?

NET: What are you, a clown?  A circus clown?  Are you trying to amuse me?

OBA: Well, no, I....

NET: [Interrupts.]  Just shut up, asshole.  Let me break it down for you like this: don't let this Bin Laden shit make your head even bigger than it already is.  You need the Jewish vote.  We got you elected.  Our money paid for your campaign.  Barbara Streisand, George Soros, Steven Spielberg...any of these names ringing a bell?

OBA: Now, Benjamin, there's no need to make threats.  You know very well Israel needs American money just as critically as I need Jewish money.

NET: Then you better pick up what I'm laying down.  Go back to '67 borders?  Forget about it.  Allow refugees in?  Get bent.  Make nice with Hamas?  Really?!

[Aide indicates the press conference is scheduled to begin in one minute.]

OBA: Is there nothing you will concede, Benjamin?  You must compromise something!

NET: [Momentarily pauses.]  I'll play nice during the press conference....Just don't forget who runs the show around here.

Says Netanyahu, "Would you believe this guy asked me to christen his kid last week?"  PHOTO SOURCE: AP

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Dental Floss Pick Impales Man's Brain: Accident or Foul Play?

A 32 year old man from Stamford, Connecticut, was tragically killed in a bizarre traffic accident while driving his Toyota Prius along I-95 yesterday evening.  According to a joint statement released by the Stamford Coroner's Office and the Stamford Police Department, Dale Billingsley was ostensibly flossing his teeth while cruising on the highway when his Prius was rear-ended by a large pickup truck.  "The front airbags deployed and drove Mr. Billingsley's dental floss pick through his head," the statement indicated.  The dental floss pick apparently had enough velocity to "slice through the inner musculature of the victim's head, eventually impaling the brain."

In a fantastic twist, the driver of the pickup truck, a 31 year old female from White Plains, New York, may have deliberately crashed into Mr. Billingsley's car.  "The pickup was driven by one Felicia del Vostro, who is supposedly Mr. Billingsley's former girlfriend," Detective Brock Bulger stated during a brief press conference.  "We have reason to believe Ms. del Vostro may have purposefully rammed the Prius knowing that Mr. Billingsley, a compulsive flosser, would most likely have a dental floss pick in his mouth."
Wall Street Gerbil - Dental Floss Pick Impales Man's Brain: Accident or Foul Play?
Dental floss picks: simple tools for fighting gingivits or deadly weapons thrust into a torrid love affair?
"We lost a great man," Brooklyn Madison, President of the Federated League of United Frequent Flossers (FLUFF), stated during a phone interview.  "Dale had two passions in life: being green and having good gums."  Ms. Madison indicated that "Felicia didn't see herself as one of Dale's priorities," and speculated she came to resent flossing and flossers more generally.  "She didn't seem to like FLUFFers," Ms. Madison opined.

Heath Henderson, a member of the Stamford Chapter of the Prius Pride Party, questions Ms. Madison's depiction of events.  "I think Felicia suspected some sort of odd love affair between Dale and Brooklyn," stated Mr. Henderson.  "They both seemed to have a thing for dental floss picks.  It was almost...erotic."

Tinkle Thenly, Mr. Billingsley's roommate and fellow FLUFFer, proffered yet another possibility, stating  "I always thought Dale was gay and in love with Heath."  When informed of Mr. Henderson's intimation of an affair between Dale and Brooklyn, Ms. Thenly was taken aback.  "Love triangle?" she guessed.

We contacted Detective Bulger to discuss the statements made by Ms. Madison, Mr. Henderson, and Ms. Thenly.  "We're exploring all leads," the Detective stated.  "It's premature to conclude anything at this point.  We need to cut through mere gossip and hearsay and focus on the facts."  When asked whether a dental floss pick was indeed used as a deadly weapon, Detective Bulger responded, "Maybe.  And if that's the case, the citizens of Stamford can rest easy knowing that no one uses a dental floss pick as a hostile projectile in our town and gets away with it.  Not on my watch."