Saturday, May 21, 2011

World Doesn't End; Heads Explode

The heads of at least two acolytes of infamous Christian preacher Harold Camping exploded when it became painfully evident the apocalypse was not transpiring today. Shouts of  "Why not, God?!  Why not?!" filled the streets around the Camping Compound in California.  "I just don't understand, " Mr. Camping stated during a brief appearance after the world failed to end.  "We've done all the calculations.  Maybe one of our decimal places was off."

Reactions from other devout followers of Camping's prognostications ranged from muted disappointment to outrage.  "The world will end," Billy John Smith, a Camping Clan member insisted.  "You mark my words, boy!  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day."  When reminded Camping's prediction explicitly indicated the world was supposed to end today, May 21, 2011, not tomorrow or the next day, Smith shouted, "Satan worshipper!  Satan worshipper!" and defenestrated out a fourth story window to his demise.

Camping Christian Devra Schaper at an "Apocalypse Now" rally earlier this month.  SOURCE: GMA News Online
Cindy Lou Riggins, another self-proclaimed Campingite, was "honestly confused why I'm still here."  Having donated all her worldly possessions, including her house, to a homeless man named Bob she randomly met three minutes before 6:00 PM today, she "has no idea what to do."  Says Riggins, "Maybe I can rent my house back from Bob."

Another Camping congregation member, Joe Hiscock, expressed outraged at the "money-changers [who] took advantage of the whole situation."  Hiscock ranted, "God saw all these money-changers bleeding us, the true believers, dry.  And he decided to postpone the Rapture!"  Hiscock indicated he was on his way to rescue Spud from the money-changers at After the Rapture Pet Care, and then "sue the shit out of them Babylonians!"

In a press release issued late Saturday evening, Family Radio stated, "While we are deeply saddened the world did not end today, we remain steadfastly resolute the world will end.  God is sorry for any inconvenience He may have caused for not ending the world today as Reverend Camping said it should."  Camping himself could not be reached for further comment.

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