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Saturday, April 30, 2011

Research Proves McCain Was Doomed

Political pundits around the world were startled by the findings contained in a white paper recently issued by the McNicholas Foundation for Political Research.  The foundation contacted 4,160 Americans back in October 2008 and provided a hypothetical list of presidential candidates to each respondent.  The study participants were then asked to choose which candidate for whom they would vote.  The results are somewhat astounding:

Wall Street Gerbil - Research Proves McCain Was Doomed
"I think this speaks to the fact that most Americans would rather have chosen an inanimate object than a Republican," commented one political analyst who asked to remain anonymous.  "What's also illuminating," the analyst continued, "is just how poorly Joe Biden fared.  Frankly, it must be disappointing for Mr. Biden to learn a greater percentage of Americans would rather have voted for a steaming pile of dog shit than vote for him."

Quite unsurprisingly, Sarah Palin finished at the bottom of the list.  "I think the fact chewed gum finished better than Mrs. Palin is a bit ironic," laughed our political analyst, "given that her thighs and ass probably look like about 50 pounds of chewed bubble gum."  Hey-ooooo!

Obama's Birth Certificate: EXPOSED

ObObama recently released a copy of his official birth certificate.  After careful analysis by our resident expert, one Mac Hamilton, we discovered the certificate was actually doctored.  Mac painstakingly removed the alterations, and provided what we believe is the original certificate:

Wall Street Gerbil - Obama's Birth Certificate: EXPOSED.  Obama from Mars.

That's right, folks: Obama is neither American nor any other nationality; he's from Mars!  "It's quite interesting, really," Mac stated.  "All the so-called birthers were so fixated on his true nationality.  Everyone lost sight of his planetary origin."

We contacted the White House for an official statement concerning our findings, but received no response.  Somewhat coincidentally, however, we were anonymously emailed a copy of what we believe is Obama's 2012 campaign logo:

Wall Street Gerbil - Obama's Birth Certificate: EXPOSED.  Obama is a martian (looks like Marvin Martian).
So, you tell us...who's your favorite Martian?