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Thursday, November 10, 2011

IN BRIEF: Photos Pummel Perry's Presidential Prospects

Wall Street Gerbil In Brief: Photos Pummel Perry's Presidential Prospects.  Presidential Candidate Rick Perry truly enjoys a good corn dog.
Presidential Candidate Rick Perry truly enjoys a good corn dog.  PHOTO SOURCES: dallasvoice.com, mofopolitics.com, democraticunderground.com, cognitivedissonance.tumblr.com
Shrieks Longines, "OH MY!!"

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

IN BRIEF: Help Put the ASS Back in Harassment

Wall Street Gerbil In Brief: Help Put the ASS Back in Harassment
PHOTO SOURCES: realclearpolitics.com, Reuters, unaccomplishedangler.com, deadlawyer
Says the Gerbil: "It's pronounced 'huh-RASS-ment', not 'HAH-rus-ment'!"

Saturday, October 29, 2011

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

Wall Street Gerbil Word from our Sponsors: T.P. Benjamins.  Stay Greedy, my friends.  Enjoy T.P. Benjamins irresponsibly (the Fed will print more).  Ben Bernanke says he may not always wipe his ass.  But when he does, he uses T.P. Benjamins.
Ben Bernanke says, "I may not always wipe my ass.  But when I do, I use T.P. Benjamins."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

IN BRIEF: Wall Street Occupiers Succumb to Corporate Greed

Wall Street Gerbil In Brief: Wall Street Occupiers Succumb to Corporate Greed.  This 99% Mad Hatter is apparently a reject from the Rockette's.  Impressive leg kick nonetheless.
This 99% Mad Hatter is apparently a reject from the Rockette's.  Impressive leg kick nonetheless.  PHOTO SOURCE: Linda Rosier/News
Exclaims Tom Thomas: "C'mon, guy!  At least display some intellectual consistency and dump the Nike's for some Tom's!"

Queries the Gerbil: "Doesn't Nike run sweatshops?"

Wonders John Johnson: "What is that lady zooming in on?"

Gushes Longines: "How you doin'?!"

"I like to vilify corporations from one side of my mouth while smoking a Marlboro on the other side," stated this comely female Occupier.  Her male compatriot added, "I like to use her big fat ass as a pillow."  PHOTO SOURCE: Mark Lennihan/AP
 "Echh!" spits John Johnson. "Menthols.  I hate menthols!"

"Smoking in bed is extremely dangerous," admonishes Ben Benson.  Thanks for the PSA, Ben!

"There's nothing like taking a long drag from my Marlboro after a hard day of railing against Big Tobacco," states Tom Thomas.

"Oh, big feet!" relishes Longines.

"The ICON of Corporate Greed -- the Marlboro Man -- is alive and well in Zuccotti Park!" proclaims the Gerbil.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

IN BRIEF: Obama Orders Troops to Uganda; No One Cares

Wall Street Gerbil In Brief: Obama Orders Troops to Uganda; No One Cares
PHOTO SOURCES: ABC News; Stars & Stripes; The Hal Lindsey Report; impunitywatch.com; International Business Times


"Where's the outrage?" asks Mac Hamilton.

"No peacenik protests?" wonders Tom Thomas.

"Occupy Uganda?" prognosticates Ben Benson.  "Pun intended, I suppose."

"Aren't we in enough wars right now?" remonstrates John Johnson.

"Is that really the flag of Uganda?!" exclaims the Gerbil.

IN BRIEF: Occupy Wall Street & The Definition of Irony

Wall Street Gerbil In Brief: Occupy Wall Street & The Definition of Irony.  One of the colorful Occupy wall Street protestors, blissfully unaware of his / her contribution to Corporate Greed.
One of the colorful Occupy Wall Street protestors, blissfully unaware of his / her contribution to Corporate Greed.  PHOTO SOURCE: Julia La Roche for Business Insider
Wall Street Gerbil In Brief: Occupy Wall Street & The Definition of Irony.  Dell and Microsoft Windows...but no Macs?? Oh my!  Occupy Wall Street.
Dells & Microsoft Windows...but no Macs??  Oh my!  PHOTO SOURCE: John Minchillo for cbsnews.com

Occupy Executive Bathrooms Protest Cramps CEOs

Wall Street Gerbil - Occupy Executive Bathrooms Protest Cramps CEO
New York City was the target of a splinter group of Occupy Wall Street protesters early Sunday that infiltrated the executive bathrooms in a number of prestigious investment bank offices.  "My squirts are just as nasty as John Mack's.  Why should only he squat on a gold plated toilet seat?" asked Sammy Silverstein, a 27 year old unemployed Social Justice major from Williamsburg.  "The 99%'s ass cheeks deserve the same treatment!"

The group, which calls itself "Occupy Executive Bathrooms" and walks around wearing George Costanza masks, demands that all bathrooms be created equally luxurious.  "This bathroom is better than my apartment," claimed Lawrence Levy, a 38 year old career student seeking his second doctorate in African American studies.  "Look at this -- they've got triple plush toilet paper, bidets, moisturizing creams, well lighted mirrors, background music.  I mean, I could live here."  When asked why the group determined it necessary to set up tents in the stalls, Levy replied, "To protect ourselves from the elements, of course!"

"We are entitled to these luxuries!" screamed Silvia Skanckman, a 55 year old self-described struggling artist from the Lower East Side.  "The rectums of the 1% are no better than those of the 99%.  We are the 99%, and we demand equal treatment of rectums.  We're all humans, and all our rectums deserve to be equally lavished!"

Our staff asked the CEOs of the banks whose executive bathrooms were occupied to comment on the latest Occupy occupation.  In a joint statement, the CEOs indicated "we are investigating how the security of our executive stalls was breached.  Our washrooms are confidential, and only a limited number of individuals have knowledge of their existence.  We will determine how this group not only knew of these facilities, but also gained access.  Executives are busy people who must not be distracted from the important decisions they must make everyday.  We will not allow full bowels to preoccupy the minds of our most important executive staff."  No mention was made of how the Occupy Executive Bathrooms protestors would be dealt with, nor why the executives could not use the regular office bathrooms.  However, a Morgan Stanley official who wished to remain anonymous stated, "Our executives are currently loading up on refried beans, chilli, broccoli, garlic, and Fiber One bars.  If these fools do not leave of their own volition, we will gas them out."

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Gerbil Staff Finally Freed From Iran; Publication to Resume

Wall Street Gerbil - Gerbil Staff Finally Freed From Iran; Publication to Resume

Discerning consumers of insightful, pithy journalism rejoiced this Friday on news the government of Iran released the staff of The Wall Street Gerbil from an Iranian prison.  "Although the troubling allegations of espionage and deceit have not been fully resolved, we have deemed it appropriate to release the Gerbil reporters," President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stated in a press conference in Tehran.  "However, they are no longer welcome in our beloved country."

The Gerbil staff were arrested in Tehran back on July 15th on suspicion of spying for the US government.  "We were in Tehran to cover the Miss Iran beauty pageant!" exclaimed intrepid Gerbil reported Mac Hamilton at a Press Conference in Dubai.  "Honestly, it was all about doing our part for international relations.  Nothing more."  When asked if he actually did have relations with anyone during his time in Tehran, Hamilton replied, "No comment."

The Gerbil staff were released from prison early Friday morning and flown on a Swiss government jet to Dubai, where they will spend the weekend before making the trip back stateside early next week.  Tensions were temporarily raised upon reports the jet carrying the Gerbil staff appeared to be rocking back and forth during the flight to Dubai, while also alternately gaining and losing altitude.  "Three months is a long time to be stuck in jail with no...release," said Hamilton.  "The Swiss flight attendants were very accommodating."  Hamilton declined to comment further.  When pressed to explain what Hamilton meant by his comments, Svenska Mueller, a 25 year old flight attendant from Bern, simply added, "It was consensual."

The release of the Gerbil staff on Friday ends their nearly three month captivity in the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Detention Center and Prison, affectionately referred to as "Madcap" by its convict denizens.  "That place is a true shit hole," said Hamilton.  "But, Svenska made it all worth it!"

Publication of the Wall Street Gerbil will resume in earnest presently.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Man Wearing Terrorist Sign on T-Shirt Flies Cross-Country Unnoticed

A man successfully flew from Miami to San Francisco this past Friday while wearing a t-shirt proclaiming terrorist intentions.  Elijah El-Wakouti, a middle-aged social worker originally from Yemen who now resides in Tampa, Florida, wore a t-shirt with the statements "I am a terrorist!" printed on the front and "I have a bomb strapped to my leg!" printed on the back.  Mr. El-Wakouti went completely undetected by airport staff, TSA personnel, airline employees, and even fellow travelers.

Wall Street Gerbil - Man Wearing Terrorist Sign on T-Shirt Flies Cross-Country Unnoticed"I can't believe I actually made it past the ticket counter in Miami, let alone through security, onto the plane, through the plane ride, and out of San Fran International," stated Mr. El-Wakouti.  The Yemeni immigrant speculates security personnel were "too busy ferreting out real threats like the 89 year old blind retired milk farmer paraplegic from Wisconsin I saw.  I suppose the TSA thought he was a real shady guy, because they did an inner body cavity search on that dude for twenty minutes.  They stopped about five minutes after the guy passed out."

When queried what prompted him to pull off such a bold stunt, Mr. El-Wakouti indicated he "wanted to prove how inept the TSA is.  They spend too much time doing 'random' searches.  Old ladies with adult diapers, retired elderly milk farmer paraplegics from Wisconsin...have people like these every blown anything up?  And, then there's me, strutting right on through."  Mr. El-Wakouti claims he paid for his ticket in cash, carried no luggage, and kept fiddling with a cigarette lighter he also smuggled into the airport, all of which "drew no scrutiny from anyone."   Requests by the Wall Street Gerbil for an interview with TSA personnel were denied.

In a related story, a 76 year old retired female librarian from Montana was hung upside down by her big toes for 15 minutes after being flagged as a threat by TSA personnel.  Apparently, the woman was heard uttering the words "power hungry" in the presence of a TSA staff member.

World's Greatest Regurgitators Compete in First Annual Vomiting Contest

Wall Street Gerbil - World's Greatest Regurgitators Compete in First Annual Vomiting Contest
PHOTO SOURCES: Ylen/APweirdstuffnews.com
The world's first annual "Vomiting Contest" took place today on the sunny Queens shores of the East River.  "What better place for a regurgitation competition than here on Loading Dock #5 behind the old textile mill?" asked Tony Bobaloons, a competitor from Howard Beach.  "This is what it's all about!"

The competition was coordinated by Major League Vomiting, an entity created in 2010 in somewhat of an homage to Major League Eating.  "We figured if the world's greatest 'gurgitators' could capture the imagination of the American audience at the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world's greatest 'regurgitators' could capture Americans' hearts and minds as well," stated Frankie Francese, president of MLV.

The inaugural competition was sponsored by Ipecac, makers of the well known substance formerly used to induce vomiting by poison control centers and bulimics.  "Ipecac has gotten a bad rap over the last few years," indicated Petie Pentangelli, chairman of an unnamed investment consortium that purchased the defunct Ipecac brand name a few years ago.  "We thought this would be a good way of getting the Ipecac brand back into the mainstream."  Ipecac provided a year's supply of their syrup to this year's champion.

The competition featured 12 contestants from all five boroughs and of all shapes and sizes.  Competitors gorged themselves on their food of choice for 15 minutes, and then regurgitated the food within the following minute.  The regurgitations were judged based on volume, consistency, odor, and technique.  "Projectile vomiting is a crowd favorite," said Vincenzo Vinscente, a competitor from Bay Ridge.  "Distance and breadth of spray are important."

The fifty two spectators of this year's event were amazed by the vomiting prowess of the first regurgitation champion, a Persian cat named Snooki from Staten Island.  The cat swallowed twenty five pounds of hair during the gorging portion of the contest, and then projectile vomited seventy two hairballs at the crowd, hitting thirty three spectators in the head.  "Don't mess with the felines," said Marie Mezzatuna, "especially pussies from Staten Island!  Staten Island in 'da house!!"

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Chinese Army Ready for War After Calling Pentagon's Bluff

Wall Street Gerbil - Chinese Army Ready for War After Calling Pentagon's Bluff.  PLA maneuvers in anticipation of an American attack.  We will crush them, said one PLA official.  What are they waiting for? asked another.  How many hacks do we need to pull off before they attack?
PLA maneuvers in anticipation of an American attack.  "We will crush them," said one PLA official.  "What are they waiting for?" asked another.  "How many hacks do we need to pull off before they attack?"  PHOTO SOURCE: People's Daily Online
BEIJING - The Chinese People's Liberation Army maintained its defensive readiness posture at China's highest threat level, "Imperialist Attack Imminent," in continued anticipation of an American attack on the communist country.  Apparently, the Chinese government is convinced US military forces are planning an attack in retaliation of China's latest cyber attacks on US companies and senior government officials.  "On May 31st, the American Pig Pentagon indicated cyber-attacks could be considered acts of war," Beijing's Internal General Director of Intelligence and Clandestine Kllings ("BIGDICK") Huong Wei Lo indicated during a brief press conference.  "Our response has been immediate and clear.  Game on!"

When asked why the Chinese government would want to instigate World War III, BIGDICK Huong Wei Lo ranted, "We are calling the American Capitalist Imperialistic Pig's bluff!  Google, the White House, Citibank...should I keep going?  The Americans are in no position to do anything.  Their military is busy hunting down goat-herders, killing cave dwelling rats, and policing barbarian tribes.  And, [chuckles smugly] they've no money to finance a war.  Any money they have left is owed to us, Mother China!"

A South Korean reporter inquired why China would want to enter a shooting war with the US, its largest debtor.  "Wouldn't that cripple the finances of the Chinese government?" the reporter asked.

"The PLA will annihilate the American scourge and all of its traitorous allies!" the BIGDICK shouted.  The reporter was then seized by two Chinese Army privates and removed from the press conference.  "Communism with a sprinkle of capitalism here and there will prevail!" the BIGDICK railed.  Phone calls to the reporter by Wall Street Gerbil staff were not returned.

BIGDICK Huong also stated today's attack on a Vietnamese seismic survey boat was "just a taste of what's in store for the Americans.  It was good practice, too.  We're really frustrated the Americans have not attacked yet.  This was a good release."

Despite repeated requests from the Wall Street Gerbil for interviews with senior Pentagon leadership, the Pentagon has released only a terse statement indicating "the positions outlined in the cybersecurity strategy report we issued on May 31st were more guidelines than rules."

Wall Street Gerbil - Chinese Army Ready for War After Calling Pentagon's Bluff.  Cybersecurity?  Bullshit.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

Wall Street Gerbil Word from our Sponsors.  Rock your ray bans for sexy times.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

IN BRIEF: Obama Looks Deep Into Netanyahu's Eyes

Wall Street Gerbil In Brief: Obama Looks Deep Into Netanyahu's Eyes.  I wish I could quit you! says Obama.
"I wish I could quit you!" says Obama.  PHOTO SOURCE: AP

Netanyahu: Raw & Uncut (Metaphorically Speaking)

Wall Street Gerbil - Netanyahu: Raw & Uncut (Metaphorically Speaking).  Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu about to shake hands with Barack Obama two weeks ago at the White House.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu about to shake hands with Barack Obama two weeks ago at the White House.  Wall Street Gerbil reporters caught Netanyahu making an off-the-record remark that "Obama shakes hands like a limp dick."  PHOTO SOURCE: AP Photo / Charles Dharapak
Benjamin Netanyahu rejected Barack Obama's plan for peace in the Middle East two weeks ago during a press conference at the White House.  Unbeknownst to the public heretofore, Netanyahu privately tore Barack Obama a new asshole moments before the public chastisement.  The Wall Street Gerbil recently obtained a previously unreleased transcript of a private meeting between Obama and Netanyahu in the Oval Office a few minutes prior to the now infamous press conference during which Netanyahu dictated US foreign policy to Obama.  Netanyahu apparently was even more blunt in his rebuke of Obama's proposal during this tete-a-tete, as evidenced by the excerpt below:

OBA: Benjamin, my friend, it's good to see you!

NET: I wish I could say the same, Mr. Obama.

OBA: [Nervous chuckle.]  Now, now, Ben; I'm sure you mean President Obama.  After all, we are in the White House.

NET: I know what I said.  I very clearly said mister.  Seems you must have some shit in your ears.  Maybe it's spilling out from the rest of your head since you apparently have shit for brains.

OBA: Benjamin, old chap!  Why such a sour puss?

NET: What are you, a clown?  A circus clown?  Are you trying to amuse me?

OBA: Well, no, I....

NET: [Interrupts.]  Just shut up, asshole.  Let me break it down for you like this: don't let this Bin Laden shit make your head even bigger than it already is.  You need the Jewish vote.  We got you elected.  Our money paid for your campaign.  Barbara Streisand, George Soros, Steven Spielberg...any of these names ringing a bell?

OBA: Now, Benjamin, there's no need to make threats.  You know very well Israel needs American money just as critically as I need Jewish money.

NET: Then you better pick up what I'm laying down.  Go back to '67 borders?  Forget about it.  Allow refugees in?  Get bent.  Make nice with Hamas?  Really?!

[Aide indicates the press conference is scheduled to begin in one minute.]

OBA: Is there nothing you will concede, Benjamin?  You must compromise something!

NET: [Momentarily pauses.]  I'll play nice during the press conference....Just don't forget who runs the show around here.

Says Netanyahu, "Would you believe this guy asked me to christen his kid last week?"  PHOTO SOURCE: AP

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Dental Floss Pick Impales Man's Brain: Accident or Foul Play?

A 32 year old man from Stamford, Connecticut, was tragically killed in a bizarre traffic accident while driving his Toyota Prius along I-95 yesterday evening.  According to a joint statement released by the Stamford Coroner's Office and the Stamford Police Department, Dale Billingsley was ostensibly flossing his teeth while cruising on the highway when his Prius was rear-ended by a large pickup truck.  "The front airbags deployed and drove Mr. Billingsley's dental floss pick through his head," the statement indicated.  The dental floss pick apparently had enough velocity to "slice through the inner musculature of the victim's head, eventually impaling the brain."

In a fantastic twist, the driver of the pickup truck, a 31 year old female from White Plains, New York, may have deliberately crashed into Mr. Billingsley's car.  "The pickup was driven by one Felicia del Vostro, who is supposedly Mr. Billingsley's former girlfriend," Detective Brock Bulger stated during a brief press conference.  "We have reason to believe Ms. del Vostro may have purposefully rammed the Prius knowing that Mr. Billingsley, a compulsive flosser, would most likely have a dental floss pick in his mouth."
Wall Street Gerbil - Dental Floss Pick Impales Man's Brain: Accident or Foul Play?
Dental floss picks: simple tools for fighting gingivits or deadly weapons thrust into a torrid love affair?
"We lost a great man," Brooklyn Madison, President of the Federated League of United Frequent Flossers (FLUFF), stated during a phone interview.  "Dale had two passions in life: being green and having good gums."  Ms. Madison indicated that "Felicia didn't see herself as one of Dale's priorities," and speculated she came to resent flossing and flossers more generally.  "She didn't seem to like FLUFFers," Ms. Madison opined.

Heath Henderson, a member of the Stamford Chapter of the Prius Pride Party, questions Ms. Madison's depiction of events.  "I think Felicia suspected some sort of odd love affair between Dale and Brooklyn," stated Mr. Henderson.  "They both seemed to have a thing for dental floss picks.  It was almost...erotic."

Tinkle Thenly, Mr. Billingsley's roommate and fellow FLUFFer, proffered yet another possibility, stating  "I always thought Dale was gay and in love with Heath."  When informed of Mr. Henderson's intimation of an affair between Dale and Brooklyn, Ms. Thenly was taken aback.  "Love triangle?" she guessed.

We contacted Detective Bulger to discuss the statements made by Ms. Madison, Mr. Henderson, and Ms. Thenly.  "We're exploring all leads," the Detective stated.  "It's premature to conclude anything at this point.  We need to cut through mere gossip and hearsay and focus on the facts."  When asked whether a dental floss pick was indeed used as a deadly weapon, Detective Bulger responded, "Maybe.  And if that's the case, the citizens of Stamford can rest easy knowing that no one uses a dental floss pick as a hostile projectile in our town and gets away with it.  Not on my watch."

Saturday, May 21, 2011

World Doesn't End; Heads Explode

The heads of at least two acolytes of infamous Christian preacher Harold Camping exploded when it became painfully evident the apocalypse was not transpiring today. Shouts of  "Why not, God?!  Why not?!" filled the streets around the Camping Compound in California.  "I just don't understand, " Mr. Camping stated during a brief appearance after the world failed to end.  "We've done all the calculations.  Maybe one of our decimal places was off."

Reactions from other devout followers of Camping's prognostications ranged from muted disappointment to outrage.  "The world will end," Billy John Smith, a Camping Clan member insisted.  "You mark my words, boy!  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day."  When reminded Camping's prediction explicitly indicated the world was supposed to end today, May 21, 2011, not tomorrow or the next day, Smith shouted, "Satan worshipper!  Satan worshipper!" and defenestrated out a fourth story window to his demise.

Wall Street Gerbil - World Doesn't End; Heads Explode.  Devra Schaper, acoloyte of Christian preacher Harold Camping, emphatically demonstrating about Judgment Day, May 21, at an Apocalypse Now rally earlier this month.
Camping Christian Devra Schaper at an "Apocalypse Now" rally earlier this month.  SOURCE: GMA News Online
Cindy Lou Riggins, another self-proclaimed Campingite, was "honestly confused why I'm still here."  Having donated all her worldly possessions, including her house, to a homeless man named Bob she randomly met three minutes before 6:00 PM today, she "has no idea what to do."  Says Riggins, "Maybe I can rent my house back from Bob."

Another Camping congregation member, Joe Hiscock, expressed outraged at the "money-changers [who] took advantage of the whole situation."  Hiscock ranted, "God saw all these money-changers bleeding us, the true believers, dry.  And he decided to postpone the Rapture!"  Hiscock indicated he was on his way to rescue Spud from the money-changers at After the Rapture Pet Care, and then "sue the shit out of them Babylonians!"

In a press release issued late Saturday evening, Family Radio stated, "While we are deeply saddened the world did not end today, we remain steadfastly resolute the world will end.  God is sorry for any inconvenience He may have caused for not ending the world today as Reverend Camping said it should."  Camping himself could not be reached for further comment.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

World's Most Eligible Terrorist

The terrorist underworld was set on fire today with news Anwar al-Awlaki narrowly escaped a Predator missile attack recently.  "This news has made an already hot Mujahideen even hotter," said Mustafina el-Ugbar, a Yemeni female suicide bomber in training.

Wall Street Gerbil - World's Most Eligible Terrorist.  Anwar al-Awlaki.
"My finger has had much practice infiltrating the anuses of many American goats," al-Awlaki brags in his online profile on MujahMatch.com, on online Al Qaeda dating site.  "I can only imagine what that finger would do to my camel-sized ass!" wondered one infatuated fan of his profile.  "I want to have his terrorist spawn!" another declares.  Photo source: MujahMatch.com
Extremist hearts were set aflutter all over the map.  "His beard looks so big and strong," added Yelebougma al-Fukar, a female Saudi-born bomb-maker based out of Dubai.  "I bet he's very popular with the goats!"

Lust for al-Awlaki was not limited to the female terrorist population.  "Sheikh al-Awlaki is such a man!" exclaimed Fazad al-Bukbar, an alias for a goat herder and closet Al Qaeda homosexual we recently interviewed in Pakistan. "No one dares to come out as a Muslim homosexual terrorist for fear of great torture, including -- but not limited to -- water-boarding, castration, disembowelment, and finally death by fire.  You know, all the standard Jihad tactics.  But, God have mercy...he sets my Islamic soul on fire!"

We inquired with an Al Qaeda spokesman as to how many wives al-Awlaki currently abuses, but received only a terse response that he's "more than enough Mujahideen for all the camels in the Sahara!"

ALLAHU AKBAR!

Wall Street Gerbil - Allahu Akbar.  Osama Bin Laden double tapped.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Obama OK with Slaughter in Syria and the Ivory Coast, Just Not in Libya

On March 18th this year, Obama gave a rousing speech justifying his stilted approach to the struggling Libyan revolution.  In this monologue, Obama indicated that "as President, I refused to wait for the images of slaughter and mass graves before taking action."  Obama chose the moral high road, and his acolytes held their chests out with pride at having such a great humanitarian as their Party Leader.

Tom Thomas, one of our intrepid reporters, recently interviewed a senior Democratic National Committee official as a follow-up to this speech and subsequent US actions in Libya.  What follows is a partial transcript of this inteview. 

TT: A civil war is raging in the Ivory Coast, with supporters of presidential claimant Alassane Ouattara massacring substantial numbers of civilians — including one massacre of up to 1,000 people in a single village.  Civilians were killed by a combination of small arms fire and being hacked to pieces by machetes.  In other areas, people have had their throats slit and been set on fire.  A similar conflict is raging in Syria.  According to CBC News reports, Syrian government forces, having already slaughtered plenty of rebels, are now "firing on people trying to retrieve the bodies of anti-government protesters and even shooting holes in rooftop water tanks in a region parched by drought."

DNC: Ivory Coast, is that in South America?

TT: No, it's in Africa.

DNC: Oh, that's right!  Why are we talking about Africa?

TT: Well, can you please reconcile the White House's position on the Libyan conflict relative to those in the Ivory Coast and Syria?

DNC: Well, I'm not sure there's anything to "reconcile," Tom.  The White House's position is entirely consistent.  The President will not countenance crimes against humanity wherever they occur, and has acted accordingly.

TT: Well, the US has provided military support to the Libyan rebels, but has done nothing in the Ivory Coast or Syria.  There seems to be a difference between the former and latter.

DNC: Not at all, my dear fellow! [chuckles] Clearly, our President's comments must be considered in the context in which they were delivered.  The President stands against the slaughter of innocent civilians, wherever that may occur.  That's an entirely consistent position, whether applied to the situation in Libya or elsewhere.

TT: So, you're saying all the President meant was that he stands against war crimes.

DNC: Correct.

TT: Not that he intervened in Libya because he wanted to prevent the slaughter of innocent civilians?

DNC: Yes, I think it would be completely illogical to conclude that was the purpose of the President's speech.  Besides which, the situations in the Ivory Coast and Syria are nothing like that in Libya.

TT: How do you mean?  In all three situations, civilians are being savagely brutalized.

DNC: Listen, Tom, the President saw an opportunity to send a few planes to Libya, drop a few bombs, and end the whole conflict in a few days.  So, that's what he did.  Syria is too much work.  And, the Ivory Coast is in Africa.  'Nuff said.  

At this point, the official cited another commitment and ended the interview.  "We did not get a chance to explore how Obama's plan with the planes and bombs didn't exactly pan out," Tom sighed.  "However, I think the DNC official is correct in one sense," he continued.  "Obama's position is consistently inconsistent."

SOURCES

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Research Proves McCain Was Doomed

Political pundits around the world were startled by the findings contained in a white paper recently issued by the McNicholas Foundation for Political Research.  The foundation contacted 4,160 Americans back in October 2008 and provided a hypothetical list of presidential candidates to each respondent.  The study participants were then asked to choose which candidate for whom they would vote.  The results are somewhat astounding:

Wall Street Gerbil - Research Proves McCain Was Doomed
"I think this speaks to the fact that most Americans would rather have chosen an inanimate object than a Republican," commented one political analyst who asked to remain anonymous.  "What's also illuminating," the analyst continued, "is just how poorly Joe Biden fared.  Frankly, it must be disappointing for Mr. Biden to learn a greater percentage of Americans would rather have voted for a steaming pile of dog shit than vote for him."

Quite unsurprisingly, Sarah Palin finished at the bottom of the list.  "I think the fact chewed gum finished better than Mrs. Palin is a bit ironic," laughed our political analyst, "given that her thighs and ass probably look like about 50 pounds of chewed bubble gum."  Hey-ooooo!

Obama's Birth Certificate: EXPOSED

ObObama recently released a copy of his official birth certificate.  After careful analysis by our resident expert, one Mac Hamilton, we discovered the certificate was actually doctored.  Mac painstakingly removed the alterations, and provided what we believe is the original certificate:

Wall Street Gerbil - Obama's Birth Certificate: EXPOSED.  Obama from Mars.

That's right, folks: Obama is neither American nor any other nationality; he's from Mars!  "It's quite interesting, really," Mac stated.  "All the so-called birthers were so fixated on his true nationality.  Everyone lost sight of his planetary origin."

We contacted the White House for an official statement concerning our findings, but received no response.  Somewhat coincidentally, however, we were anonymously emailed a copy of what we believe is Obama's 2012 campaign logo:

Wall Street Gerbil - Obama's Birth Certificate: EXPOSED.  Obama is a martian (looks like Marvin Martian).
So, you tell us...who's your favorite Martian?