Follow The Wall Street Gerbil on Google+

Saturday, August 16, 2014

BOOK REVIEW: Big Machines! Big Buildings! is Big Bust

Wall Street Gerbil Book Review: Big Machines! Big Buildings! Big Bust
"This drivel pollutes children's minds," says a professor of childhood literature.
The mainstream media periodically publish stories of one ailment or another affecting today's youth: Attention Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder ("ADHD"), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ("OCD"), and so on.  Every other day or so, these disorders du jour are cited in op-ed pieces by said media lamenting the sad state of scholastic achievement as factors contributing to low test scores, the general inability to perform simple arithmetic, universally poor reading / writing skills, etc.   Having had the misfortune the other day of reading Big Machines! Big Buildings! (originally published as The Lot at the End of My Block) by Kevin Lewis, the Gerbil has definitively concluded terribly written children's books are the leading cause of all the younger generation's misfortunes.  

"Terrible" does not even begin to describe how utterly vapid, annoying, and excruciatingly painful it is to read Big Machines! Big Buildings!  The book attempts to relay the story of a boy watching a new apartment building being constructed by describing the sequence of events from beginning to end.  Each turn of the page builds on the prior by repeating everything on the prior page.  The story does not reach its ultimate crescendo until page 25, which contains a 93 word sentence (no exaggeration) summarizing the entire story up to that point.

"This is really a grammatical and stylistic travesty on so many levels," remarked Dr. Nevin Norman, professor of Childhood Literature at Nottingham University in Nanick, Nebraska.  "The sentences in Big Machines! Big Buildings! are examples of how not to write."  When asked if such literary disasters could contribute to the aforementioned disorders du jour, Dr. Norman replied, "Absolutely.  Incessant repetition, incredibly long run-on sentences, on and on -- all of this directly impacts the highly impressionable minds of children during their most formative years.  This drivel pollutes their minds when they are in their most fragile states!"  

Big Machines! Big Buildings! has also been linked to a number of self-inflicted parental injuries.  "We have had a couple of instances in which parents defenestrated themselves during bedtime story-telling -- before they even reached page six,"stated Peter Pentick, Sheriff of Potswooga County, Pennsylvania."  Said one such parent who wished to remain anonymous, "I could not take the never-ending droning of my own voice.  It was just...too much."  There have also been several reports of sudden, acute asthma attacks during readings of Big Machines! Big Buildings!  "The parents apparently can't suck in enough air while reading the insanely long run-on sentences," explained Dr. Norman.

Clearly, we do not recommend Big Machines! Big Buildings! as suitable reading material for anyone, anywhere, of any age.  We can only hope today's youth (and their parents) will survive the ongoing onslaught of such insidious childhood literature.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

BREAKING: Gerbil Released from Mysterious Captivity

"Gird your loins!" suggests Longines.

BREAKING: White House Correspondent Rumored to Become Golf Commentator

Wall Street Gerbil Breaking: White House Correspondent Rumored to Become Golf Commentator

The Wall Street Gerbil has learned White House Correspondent Mark Knoller has interviewed for a commentator position with Golf TV. "Given all the golfing Obama has done during his presidency, Mark really has had ample opportunity to become quite an insightful golf expert," says our source. Knoller has not responded to multiple Gerbil requests for comment.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Brooklyn Hipsters Lose Internet, Shave Beards in Sudden Bouts of Lucidity

Wall Street Gerbil - Brooklyn Hipsters Lose Internet, Shave Beards in Sudden Bouts of Lucidity
"A momentary grasp of reason," jokes one Brooklyn native of the recent hipster phenomenon to shave their beards.  "These jerks stunk the place up with their face pubes."
Hipsters in the facial hair havens of Brooklyn lost internet access late Friday afternoon, leading to a tidal wave of beard shaving throughout the borough.  Apparently, the sudden loss of the hipsters' only source of social interaction led to a widespread outbreak of mental clarity among this insular, misunderstood community of vagabonds, freeloaders, self-professed gurus, and bloggers.  "It was as if a sheet had been pulled from my eyes, and I could see the world as it truly exists for the first time," remarked Gidget Gangplank, a hipster blogger from Williamsburg.  "For the first time in many, many years I realized just how much facial hair I had...and how utterly disgusting and unnecessary it was," recounted Mr. Gangplank.  "I suppose I was trying to compensate for just how small the $3,500 a month refrigerator box I live in is by growing my beard as big as I could."

Local pharmacies reported aisles stripped clean of shaving products.  "They hit us all at once," said Frieda Finkel, proprietor of the local Black Sheep Apothecary.  "Even the ladies' razors are gone -- all three of them."  According to an anonymous source at Mayor Bloomberg's office, the New York City Sanitation Department received complaints of "pube-like hair two feet deep" on the sidewalks of several streets in Williamsburg and Greenpoint.  "I've never seen anything like it.  The shaved hair, the clean-shaven pasty-white cheeks.  It's unbelievable," said the source.

In a related story, the local inventory of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer has also been impacted by the internet outage.  "The stock of PBR is at critically low levels," said Michael Menga, president of the Brooklyn Bodega Cartel.  "We usually have thousands of cases on hand since it's the hip beer to drink," continued Mr. Menendez, "so it's quite scary how quickly we ran out.  We've called for help from affiliates as far away as Rhode Island."  The shortage has local police precincts on high alert in light of a series of tweets calling on "all of #hipperdom to protest the unjust insufficient supply of PBR at local retailers."

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

BREAKING: Over-Zealous Chipotle CEO Dislocates Jaw, Nearly Severs Hand While Attempting to Eat Burrito

Wall Street Gerbil Breaking: Over-Zealous Chipotle CEO Dislocates Jaw, Nearly Severs Hand While Attempting to Eat Burrito
Fellow employees were aghast as Steve Ells, Chipotle CEO, nearly bit his hand off along with his entire beef burrito.  "I heard this big cracking noise, turned around, and saw the CEO with his mouth wrapped around his whole hand," said the restaurant manager.  "It was as if the burrito wasn't even there."
"Is this guy the world's ugliest eater?" inquires Tom Thomas.

"Photo op gone awry?" asks the Gerbil.

"This guy could bite the head off of an elephant," observes Mac Hamilton.

"He's lucky he didn't lose his arm!" exclaims John Johnson.

"That's a God-given talent, right there!" declares Longines.

Monday, August 27, 2012

BREAKING: Apple Patents Thinking; Sues Humanity for Infinite Damages

Wall Street Gerbil Breaking: Apple Patents Thinking; Sues Humanity for Infinite Damages
Apple's latest patent ploy: a brilliant stroke of litigious genius?  Or, a diabolical attempt to appropriate all the world's wealth?
"Eh, whatever," remarks John Johnson.  "There are no thinkers left in the world, anyways."

"Wasn't that a thought?" replies the Gerbil.

"Thought is dead!" declares Mac Hamilton.  "Long live thought!"

"Do sexy thoughts count?" asks Longines?  "Oops, there I go again....Oh my, chalk up another score for Apple!"

"Pay up, bitchez!" commands Ben Benson in a tweet sent from his iPhone.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Scientific Study Says Food Network Shows Clog Arteries

Wall Street Gerbil - Scientific Study Says Food Network Shows Clog Arteries
Add caption Food Network: Frying fatty foods for fatty Americans since 1993.  PHOTO SOURCES: Scripps NetworksSeattle PiFeline Med VetFood Network Blog
Scientists from the Louisiana Authority for Research and Development to Advance Scientific Study ("LARDASS") released the results of a two year study yesterday that links the Food Network to clogged arteries.  "It's quite incredulous," stated Dr. Victor Vennedopolous, the study's lead researcher, at a press conference late Saturday evening, "but we have empirical evidence that definitively proves watching shows on the Food Network will clog your arteries."  Specifically, researchers found that watching four straight hours of the Food Network increased viewers' cholesterol by an average 75 points.  "It's all LDL cholesterol, too," added Vennedopolous, "which makes it even worse."  Study participants that watched the network for longer periods of time added an average of five points per hour of incremental viewing.  "We had one participant whose cholesterol prior to watching any shows was 165.  Ten hours later, the participant's cholesterol skyrocketed to 270!" exclaimed Vennedopolous.  "This is well beyond statistically significant!" he added.

Researchers are still trying to determine the mechanics by which viewers' arteries clog.  "We think all the fatty foods depicted on the shows somehow cause the brain to think the viewer is actually eating the food," explained Vennedopolous.  "This in turn stimulates the viewer's body to produce massive amounts of cholesterol."  The study also claims shows that provide recipes for southern food result in higher cholesterol amounts.  "Shows hosted by Paula Deen and Trisha Yearwood stimulated cholesterol numbers that were consistently on the highest end of the cholesterol production spectrum," stated Vennedopolous.  "Southern fried chicken, mashed potatoes dripping in creamy gravy, eight inch deep 'Savannah High Apple Pie'...need I say more?"  When asked by our staff what would happen if Deen and Yearwood co-hosted a show, Vennedopolous replied, "I can't imagine what would happen.  I can only speculate that if a significant portion of the population tuned in to watch such a show at the same time, the results could be...catastrophic. Homeric, even."

When contacted by the Gerbil staff for comment, the Food Network released a short statement indicating they "will not dignify the specious, junk science promoted by LARDASS with a response."  Keep eating, America!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

IN BRIEF: The Sappy State of Modern Menswear

Wall Street Gerbil In Brief: The Sappy State of Modern Menswear

"Is this really what men's fashion has come to?" asks the Gerbil.

"Metrosexuals are ruling the roost!" laments Tom Thomas.

"I just love the playful mixes of patterns, pastels, and textures!" gushes Longines.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

LIVE: Financial Advisors Fighting Outside Facebook HQ for the Right to Advise Future Facebook Employee Millionaires

Wall Street Gerbil Live: Financial Advisors Fighting Outside Facebook HQ for the Right to Advise Future Facebook Employee Millionaires
"That's MY client!" shrieked one white-haired advisor.  "No!  He's MINE!  That's MY commission!" screamed another.  PHOTO SOURCE:

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

BREAKING: Facebook IPO Excites Dr. Evil

Wall Street Gerbil Breaking: Facebook IPO Excites Dr. Evil
"Facebook IPO??" asks Dr. Evil.  "100 BILLION DOLLARS!!" PHOTO SOURCE: Sweets Lyrics

Sunday, January 29, 2012

EXCLUSIVE: Apple Nose Picking Patent Ignites Another Patent War

Wall Street Gerbil Exclusive: Apple Nose Picking Patent Ignites Another Patent War
Nose pickers beware: you'll be paying a per-snot royalty to a high-tech company very soon!  PHOTO SOURCES: Apple Logo Blogspot; Tablets Planet;; Lazy Tech Guys; (copyright Jan Egil Kirkebo)
According to multiple sources, Apple recently filed an application to patent nose picking.  "This continues the trend at high tech companies to patent pretty much anything they can imagine, and then extort monies from anyone who comes close to 'infringing' on their design," stated Nicole Nerdia, a technology sector analyst for Ponzi Panda Investment Bank.

This latest application set off a firestorm of counter-patent applications by Apple rivals HTC, Microsoft, and Samsung.  "The Apple application is rather generic in that it simply patents the process by which a person sticks a finger in their nose," indicated Nerdia.  "The HTC patent goes further by patenting the process by which snot is extracted from the nose.  Interestingly," continued Nerdia, "the Samsung patent only patents nose picking through the use of the left hand's index finger, which greatly limits the earnings potential of this patent.  On the other end of the spectrum, the Microsoft application seeks to patent the ability to extract snot by anyone, anywhere in the galaxy, by any means possible.  We can only wait and see if such a broad-reaching patent will be granted, let alone how it will be enforced."

It is assumed Apple and its rivals will seek to assess all nose pickers a royalty fee for each snot picked.  "Our junior analysts are working on their discounted cash flow valuation models for such a royalty arrangement, and the preliminary results look extremely promising!" Nerdia stated gleefully.  "Apparently, the world has a lot of nose pickers, and they pick a great deal of snot."  Gerbil reporters sought comments from Apple, HTC, and Samsung, but received no responses.  Microsoft released a short statement indicating the company "will prevail in its ongoing intellectual property litigation since Microsoft technology is embedded in everything, everywhere."

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

BREAKING: Obama's Speech Written By Eighth Grader

Wall Street Gerbil Breaking: Obama's Speech Written By Eighth Grader.  Obama flashing those pearly whites to his fellow semi-literate Americans.
Obama flashing those pearly whites to his fellow semi-literate Americans.  PHOTO SOURCE:
Obama kept his message simple during last night's State of the Union Address. Perhaps too simple.  According to the University of Minnesota's Humphrey School of Public Affairs, Obama's latest speech is the third in a row to be written at an eighth grade level.

Offers Mac Hamilton: "Guess we know what Obama thinks of our intellectual skills!"

Obama Sez: You Got My Back! Tweens Relate.

Obama announced the US "is great because we get each other’s backs" during last night's State of the Union Address.  Denny Dicks, resident tween, exclaimed, "Wow, Obama really understands me!"

Obama / Biden: We Got Your Backs!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Lady Gaga Foundation to Promote Madonna Covers

Wall Street Gerbil - Lady Gaga Foundation to Promote Madonna Covers.  Lady Gaga at a news conference this Thursday announcing her new Born This Way Foundation.  Madonna responds in kind.
Lady Gaga at a news conference this Thursday announcing her new Born This Way Foundation.  Madonna responds in kind.  PHOTO SOURCES: All This is That; Just Jared

At a press conference in New York's Meatpacking District earlier today, Lady Gaga announced the creation of her new Born This Way Foundation.  "The foundation will support struggling, mugged singers in their quest to rip off and repackage Madonna songs, just like I did with Born This Way," chirped Gaga gleefully.  "I'm a real humanitarian!"

"I don't think she's ever looked better," reports Longines.  "I mean, her face was all wrapped up.  Almost all of her nose was hidden.  It was fabulous!"  Mac Hamilton disagrees: "I can still see the tip of her snout, and that's enough."

The Gerbil reached out to Madonna for comment and received a terse one word response: "Tranny."

Monday, January 16, 2012

IN BRIEF: Golden Globe Glow Graces Hollywood Gentry

Wall Street Gerbil In Brief: Golden Globe Glow Graces Hollywood Gentry
The world's greatest actors gathered tonight at the Golden Globe Awards, the annual Hollywood gala at which these superlative thespians award themselves for being such great humanitarians.  PHOTO SOURCE : Getty/
"All of them are soooo unseasonably tan," observes Longines. 

"It's the Golden Globe Glow," jokes Tom Thomas.

"It's Hollywood's subtle jab at the 99%," concludes the Gerbil.  "We're rich and can afford luxurious winter vacations.  You're poor and have to shovel snow."